The Totally True(ish) Story of How Tim Thomerson Seduced My Girlfriend

The Totally True(ish) Story of How Tim Thomerson Seduced My Girlfriend

The year was 1999 and my girlfriend, we’ll call her Kitty (because pretty much everyone else does in real life), were attending Project A-Kon in Dallas, TX. There were a number of reasons that we went to the convention: we love anime, comics, sci-fi & fantasy media, and to hang out with like-minded people that were as nerdy as we were. However, I had another agenda on top of these goals… I was going to procure an autograph from my favorite b-movie actors, Bruce Campbell and Tim Thomerson, as they would be in attendance for the event. It was fortuitous timing, especially Thomerson as he was a last minute addition to the autograph roster. Cons back in the 90’s were a whole lot different than they are today. They were smaller affairs, with a more intimate setting that allowed you an opportunity to talk to the autographer for a few minutes and build a sort of off-the-cuff rapport. Also, by and large the celebrities did not charge money for their autographs back then so as long as you had the stamina to stay in the long lines, you could get everyone’s autograph. The only one that I remember charging money back in the pre-2000’s days was William Shatner, for some reason he thought his signature was worth $50 bucks back then (BTW, it wasn’t worth $50 back then and it isn’t worth the $100 he charges today, and I like him as an actor and performer). I could talk about how shady charging for autographs is, but that is topic for a whole ‘nother blog post that I’ll likely never write. One puny blog post from me wouldn’t change a thing in that regards. Making mad crazy phat money off of autographs, private meals, and photo ops is standard operating procedure for even d-list celebrities nowadays. Everyone is charging money, and fans pay it so the system will never change no matter how hard I bang the drums on the subject. It is what it is. But I digress… I’m not here to rant today, I’m here to tell a magical tale of fandom and lust, but first I must fast forward a bit and pepper in some backstory, as well as introduce you to Tim Thomerson before this tale can be fully told.

Also, this story is being told in tandem with my month long tribute to Full Moon Features, which Thomerson was a star of a bunch of their films. For more info about and all updates in reference to Full Moon Features Month: click here!

Fast forward to 2017 with some much needed background: Kitty and I got married in 2001 and have been happily together for nearly 16 years (our anniversary is just a few scant months away). We started dating in 1998, so our relationship was still in full discovery mode when we went to Project A-Kon in 1999. Who my girlfriend was becoming at that point in time was totally my fault in a lot of ways. I introduced her to anime & manga. Also there was a lot of genre TV, especially Star Trek. We discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer together, back when it was still airing new episodes on TV. I turned her on to video games. Don’t get me wrong, she was still her own Kitty with a love for reading, crafts, art, and writing, but I was adding fandoms and full-tilt nerdiness to the mix. This, in many regards turned out to be a wonderful thing, as to this day we still watch anime together, as well as newer genre TV shows like Sense8, Travellers, Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD, Continuum, and many, many more. However, in many regards it was this trip to Project A-Kon that really opened up Kitty’s horizons. There were cosplayers as far as the eye could see. Cute stuffed mascots were for sale in the main shopping plaza. People were having long and involved conversations about the complexity and layers of anime shows like Sailor Moon and Revolutionary Girl Utena. Kitty was in heaven. She stuck around with me for the autograph portion, primarily because we liked to stick together at the Con. She didn’t really know much about Bruce Campbell or Tim Thomerson, just that I liked ’em enough to stand in these obnoxiously long lines to meet them. Boy howdy, she was about to get an education.

A backstory on my love for all things Tim Thomerson: I mentioned on another post (which you can read here) that my parents introduced me to Trancers way back in the mid 80’s. Trancers was a sci-fi time travel film starring Thomerson as the main character Jack Deth. Deth was a Sam Spade-style hard boiled detective type with a quip for everything, so naturally I fell in love with the character, and by extension the actor who played him. I found Thomerson in a bunch of other film and TV roles: Near Dark, Air America, Xena Warrior Princess, and a bunch more. However those were smaller roles, so I kept returning to his Full Moon Features movies, because he had starring roles in them.

Here’s a few things I’ve had to say about Tim Thomerson on this blog before:

“What I liked in Dollman: Tim Thomerson. Period. The end. This man was made for the tongue-in-cheek nature of b-movies, much in the same way that Bruce Campbell makes everything he’s in better, so does Mr. Thomerson… in a huge way. I can’t stress to you enough how much the Dollman and Trancers film, in large part due to Thomerson’s crack comedic timing, are 2 of the best franchises in the entire Full Moon catalog.”

“In regards to Trancers: Thomerson skillfully carries this movie on his back, from the moment he shows up in the first scene till the credits roll at the end. He plays the title character, Jack Deth (best hero name ever!), like a hard boiled film noir detective from classic cinema. Jack Deth is Humphrey Bogart, Dick Powell, and Phillip Marlowe all rolled into one, mixing cold hard justice with sarcasm and blunt truth bombs that never fail to delight.”

“What I liked in Trancers II: Tim Thomerson! I could probably go on forever about the merits of Thomerson’s spot on b-movie high camp comedy delivery, but I already have gushed about my love for Thomerson in both my reviews for the original Trancers and in Dollman. Needless to say, Thomerson has the good stuff, and plays the b-movie hero exceptionally well.”

You get the picture. I love watching Thomerson act on screen. I identify with the sarcastic characters that Thomerson portrays. So it should be of little surprise that I was suitably hyped to meet Thomerson in person. How did that go? I’m glad you asked…

The autographs: After waiting in line for what seemed like an eternity, I finally got to meet Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead series, Burn Notice). Bruce couldn’t have been nicer or more approachable if he tried. He was instantly lovable. We both had on a Hawaiian print shirt, and had a good laugh about having great taste in fashion. We talked for a few minutes about his many b-movies and he never once tried to bum-rush me away. He’s a class act. Campbell signed a couple autographs for me, we shook hands and he wished Kitty and I well as he moved on to the next adoring fan. I only mention Bruce Campbell in this story at all because he was genuinely one of the nicest and most approachable celebrities that I have ever met. If you have the chance definitely go see Bruce Campbell at a con, he’s good people.

Having accomplished my first mission, it was time to go to the fated meeting with my favorite b-movie actor of all time: Tim Thomerson. I was star struck, I fully admit this. I was also only 22 years old and still highly impressionable, so cut me a little slack. I was a young punk that didn’t know shit about shit (not much has changed, I’m just older and balder now). So there he was, in all of his Jack Deth-iness, Tim Thomerson greeted me with a firm handshake and asked me, and I quote, “How the hell are ya?” It was like we were buddies, which was only feeding into my celebrity daydreams. I mentioned that I was “super” and asked how he was. Thomerson quipped that his ankle was chained to the table but that he was working on an exit strategy, asking if I had a nail file or a blow torch handy. He was a super funny guy and really personable. He had a line for just about everything. It was sometime later when a little thing called “YouTube” became a huge thing and I found out that Thomerson had been a professional stand up comedian for many years. You can catch one of his classic comedy performances below:

His comedian roots were likely why he was able to draw you in with his charm and then dazzle you with his quick wit. He was a fun guy, exactly everything I hoped he would be. Jack Deth in the flesh. Whilst talking about all things Full Moon Features, Thomerson noticed my girlfriend and introduced himself. Kitty is an odd mix of introvert/extrovert that is something of a marvel to witness in action. On the surface she is reserved and quiet, but once engaged by someone in conversation she has the capacity to turn on the extrovert really quickly. This was one of those such moments. Kitty warmed up to Thomerson really quickly. This is not to say that she necessarily flirted with him or anything that overt, but she did become quite chatty. Again, to understand the scenario adequately, my wife is gorgeous and well represented in the bosom department. She is going to kill me for this post (if she actually ever reads it). Also, she was notorious at the time (for all the right reasons, bless her heart) for wearing spaghetti strap tank tops that left very little to the imagination. Needless to say, she caught your wanton gaze fairly easily, especially at a con. The rest of our interaction with Thomerson at the autograph table was fun, playful and over all too soon. Nothing else of any major note happened, but I got his autograph and Kitty & I left the experience feeling very good about meeting both Bruce Campbell and Tim Thomerson. You would have thought that that would be the end of the story, but as fate would have it Kitty & I bumped into Thomerson (literally) a little bit later at the con…

Here’s where things get sort of interesting… Outside of the hotel, Kitty & I were coming back to the con after taking a break to go grab a bite to eat. On our way in, Thomerson accidentally bumped in to me heading on his way out. We paused for a brief a moment, and I apologized for bumping into him. At first, I didn’t realize it was him, but once I did I fought every instinct to be a pathetic fanboy and somehow maintained my cool in delivering the apology. “No apology needed,” Thomerson snapped back happily. He admitted to bumping into me fair and square, and then he mentioned that he even remembered us from earlier. We talked for just a brief minute or so. He was getting ready to leave but was going to grab a bite and kill some time in Dallas before hopping a flight back to California. I wished him a safe trip, and everything seemed cool as I said goodbye. He as well said goodbye and then took Kitty’s hand, looked her in the eye, then down at her ample cleavage, and then back in her eyes, kissed the top of her hand and then said something devilishly sly in Spanish to her. To my immortal shame, I have no idea what he said. I don’t speak nearly enough spanish to pick up on more than a few words. Whatever he said, he said it in such a way as to convincingly convey what latinos would call “amor.” She blushed and said “thank you.” He gazed upon her once more, savoring the view, and in that brief moment time sort of just stopped for me. I wasn’t offended that Jack Deth had just single-handedly seduced my girlfriend in the entrance way to a hotel at a goofy anime convention (in a language that neither of us spoke, no less), I was amazed that he had seemingly done so effortlessly. Sugar plump faeries danced around my head with visions of hanging out with Thomerson for the rest of the day as he hit on my girl and told us more tales of making all of the wonderful movies he had been in, but alas is was not to be. Time moved forward once more. He winked at her, gave me a hearty handshake, and then disappeared into the parking lot… Kitty & I laughed and laughed over what had transpired. Even to this day, we chuckle about the incident and rack our brains trying to think of what in the heck Tim Thomerson could have possibly said to Kitty in that ever so brief moment. We’ll never remember, but that’s OK. In the end, whether by fate or random chance, meeting Tim Thomerson in person had solidified himself as my definitive favorite b-movie actor of all time and one of the most fun celebrities that I ever met. Both Thomerson and Campbell were amazing to meet in person, and trust me I’ve met some pretty crummy celebrities at cons.

There you have it, the tale of how I not only met my favorite b-movie celebrity, but how I was mesmerized at his ability to woo my lady in a foreign language with 100% efficiency. This is all, of course, filtered through personal amarcord, so some of the details may have picked up a few embellishments along the way. It’s how I remember it, and it will always be a fond remembrance of my younger days of chicanery. Back when meeting a favorite celebrity meant the world to me. It was a good time that my wife & I can look back on with laughter, made all that much better by the antics of one crazy dude: Tim Thomerson. Thanks Tim! Also, if you are reading this Mr. Thomerson, I have written you a most excellent script for Trancers 7 that officially closes the book on Jack Deth. You’ll love it! Read all about my Trancers 7 movie pitch here!

OH YEAH! I almost forgot… just in case it’s important, here is “Proof of Life” evidence that I did actually get the autographs. See below: