Back around 2006, my friend Bobby and I were heavily into the idea of being the next generation of filmmakers. We thought we would be Rodriguez and Tarantino 2.0. Flash forward to 10 years later and we both still have our dreams and ambitions, we both just go after them in different ways now. But back then, we tried to do a lot of things together from writing, to filming and going to the movies (for research of course!). We liked to write scripts, whether short or long, and then trade them off and read them to give each other “notes.” This document below is a piece that I wrote that is a survivor of that time period. Full disclosure: this is not the original piece that I wrote, as the original is gutter trash so vile, that if I were to print it and put it in a bird cage, the parakeet would hold its shit in and wait for me to lay a more respectable piece of paper down in its cage. What I have done today, purely as a writing excercise, was to show that I have obtained wisdom guided by experience. I have completely re-written it only maintaining the core plot, but with vastly superior dialogue and blocking. The formatting is suspect, but that’s an issue I’ve been having with WordPress that I have not been able to resolve. This was an enjoyable little trip down memory lane (keep hunting down the dream Bobby!). Whether this short script is amazingly funny, amazingly awful, or something else altogether… well I’ll leave that up to you lot to judge. Regardless, I hope you enjoy the events that occur:
THE DAY AFTER THE PARTY
BY: PACKY SMITH
TITLE CARD: “THE AFTER PARTY”
FADE IN:
INT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: A BEDROOM – MORNING
BEN is lying in a bed sleeping. He reluctantly wakes up and feels around the bed whilst stretching and notices that he’s not alone. CRYSTAL is laying in bed with him under the covers. BEN cannot see her face, only the backside of her body. He thinks long and hard about who might be in bed with him, as he can’t remember taking a lover the night before. Trying with all his might, he tries to slowly, as to not wake his bedfellow, get into a position that allows him to see her face, but can’t seem to manage it.
BEN
Who the…?
BEN lifts the sheet up and looks underneath.
BEN
Ok. I’m naked. Check. She’s naked. Check, check.
BEN reaches down and feels himself.
BEN
Yup, still a little wet so that would mean batta boom batta bing happened last night. Go me, virtual high five. You know what? Fuck it, let’s just go with it.
BEN slides over closer to CRYSTAL and spoons her. CRYSTAL starts to move, snuggling into him and then rolls over to face BEN and gives him a kiss. BEN kisses her back and enjoys it…
CRYSTAL
(in a whisper)
Morning, Wolfman Ben.
Until he realizes…
BEN
Oh shit, Crystal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, double no, hell no, triple no, no, no.
BEN sits straight up in bed.
BEN
Oh god, my head hurts so bad. Like way more than a little. Ow.
CRYSTAL
What’s wrong, sweetie?
BEN
Don’t call me that! Why? Ugh, my head is spinning, need to lay back down, oh wait, I cannot lay back down for I am going straight to hell for last night.
CRYSTAL leans up on a shoulder and looks BEN straight in the eyes.
CRYSTAL
Are you OK? What’s gotten into you this morning?
BEN
Oh, I don’t know, it might have something to do with not remembering that I apparently had sex with my best friends girl friend. How do you think I’m doing?
CRYSTAL
You didn’t seem like you’d have a problem with this last night. You were super willing to ride this train.
BEN
I must have been super willing to die last night. This is some next level evil shit right here. Shit I didn’t even think I was capable of.
CRYSTAL
That’s funny, because you asked me out last night, and I said yes. On top of that, I dumped Jerry’s dopey ass just so you could fuck with a clear conscious.
BEN
Ah, you’d do that for me? So sweet. Wait, you dumped Jerry last night?
CRYSTAL
Hell yeah I dumped Jerry. The man practically lives in the bottom of bottle, and frankly he’s terrifying to live with. I told you all of this. Do you not remember any of it?
BEN
I plead the fifth. I’m not awake enough and my head hurts way too much for my mental Rolodex to recall any of this information. So Jerry knows about us? And he hasn’t attempted to kill us yet?
CRYSTAL
He should know! Hell, after the night we all had last night, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m the only one who remembers what happened last night. Jerry got pathetically drunk and started talking about his “problems,” you know his insecurities, anger management, his job…
BEN
Did he bitch about border security?
CRYSTAL
For like an hour and a half!
BEN
That’s my boy.
CRYSTAL
You know this. He does this every single time he gets drunk, which is a hell of a lot more frequently than not these days. I swear, you can set your watch to him. Although, there was something new that happened this time.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK
INT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: A BATHROOM – NIGHT
JERRY is sitting on all fours in the bathroom with his head lying in the toilet. JERRY appears to be attempting to drown himself to death and making a horrible rukus all the while. BEN, CRYSTAL, JOHN, and BROOKS run into the bathroom to see what is happening, the men are all way past drunk.
CRYSTAL
(voice over)
So there I was, standing over this miserable S.O.B., as he was seemingly attempting for the first time, that I’m aware of, to kill himself. So what did we do?
CRYSTAL slaps BEN across the face.
CRYSTAL
Do something!
BEN looks around a bit in a daze, then snaps out of it.
BEN
Me? When did I become the responsible party?
CRYSTAL
Since I slapped you! Now help him damn it!
BEN
OK! OK! It’s not every day we see somebody’s head full on in a toilet… at least not willingly. Um, what should we do? Brainstorm! Let’s run it around the room, shoot Brooks, what have you got for me?
BROOKS
Uh, I don’t know. Lift him up?
BEN
I like where your minds at. Let’s do it!
THEY attempt to lift JERRY’S head up, but not to much avail as they find out that JERRY has hand cuffed his hands around the far end of the toilet making it impossible to get him completely out of the toilet. Jerry gargles a bit of toilet water and then gasps for a breath.
BEN
OK, so not everyone’s head can be lifted out of a toilet. Good to know. Give me some good news John-boy.
JOHN
She-it… I could call the water company and have them turn the water off?
BEN
I don’t think he’s got that long, besides that’s a terrible idea. Why don’t you check and see if someone somewhere else has a key to those cuffs?
JOHN
Roger, roger.
JOHN runs out of the bathroom. BEN, CRYSTAL, and BROOKS look at the bathroom door with an ocean of dumbfounded expressions. WE HEAR the sounds of a horrible crashing followed by JOHN screaming.
BEN
Alrighty then, the poster child for MENSA is gone. What do you have for me Crystal?
CRYSTAL
I don’t know? I’ll check the cuffs, maybe they are the kind with the release switch on the side.
BEN
Solid.
CRYSTAL gets down on the floor and begins examining the hand cuffs.
BEN
Ooh, I’ve got an idea! It’s a stupid idea but I think I can buy you some time. Keep trying to get those cuffs off!
BEN flushes the toilet causing JERRY to gasp for air as the water recedes. The water refills, and again BEN flushes the toilet causing JERRY to gasp for air as the water recedes. A bit of the water from the flush hits CRYSTAL on the face.
CRYSTAL
Eeeeew, that’s so gross.
BEN
Hurry up Crystal!
CRYSTAL continues to attempt to unfasten JERRY’S hand cuffs. The water refills again, and again BEN flushes the toilet causing JERRY to gasp for air as the water recedes.
TITLE CARD: “FIFTEEN FLUSHES LATER”
CRYSTAL snaps the lever of the hand cuffs and slides them off of JERRY’S hands. BEN pulls JERRY’S head out of the toilet and drops the lid down onto the toilet seat. JERRY looks up at BEN, CRYSTAL, and BROOKS in amazement.
BEN
Are you alright man?
JERRY
Yeah, I think, how long was I down there?
BEN
For like thirty fucking minutes man. You scared the shit out of us Jerry.
JERRY
Wow, I can like hold my breath, for like a long ass time, don’t you think?
JERRY’S eyes flutter and he topples over face first into the toilet seat and then collapses onto the floor unconscious.
BEN
Well… that was, uh, different.
CRYSTAL
(voice over)
…and different was how the rest of the night would go. John would suffer a broken arm for flying down the stairwell looking for a key that never existed. Brooks got all lit up on coke and streaked naked throughout the entire complex and all the way down the street. He later got arrested…
CUT TO: PRESENT
INT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: A BEDROOM – MORNING
BEN is sitting up in bed nursing his hung over head, while CRYSTAL lightly rubs his back.
CRYSTAL
…but was apparently too wasted to give up the location of the party, or his supplier for that matter. He called me asking to bail him out.
BEN
Did you?
CRYSTAL
I told him I’d think about it.
BEN
Sounds about right.
CRYSTAL
Let’s see. Oh! The big screen downstairs is gone.
BEN
Stolen?
CRYSTAL
Broken.
BEN
How?
CRYSTAL
I’m not entirely sure, but it had a lot to do with a couple of flaming Dr. Peppers, a couple of flaming idiots, and a Doors sing-a-long.
BEN is totally confused.
CUT TO: FLASHBACK
INT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: THE DEN – NIGHT
IDIOT #1 and IDIOT #2 are standing in front of the TV. A group of other party going people are sitting and standing on or around the sofa in front of the IDIOTS. Everyone is drinking, laughing and having a good time. IDIOT #1 is holding a crystal unicorn statue in his hand.
IDIOT #1
(singing to the unicorn)
Before you slip into unconsciousness, I’d like to have another kiss.
IDIOT #1 gives the crystal unicorn a big sloppy kiss.
IDIOT #2
(singing)
Another flashing glimpse, at least another kiss, another kiss.
IDIOT #1 is still kissing the crystal unicorn. Suddenly IDIOT #1 holds the crystal unicorn straight out and starts spinning in a circle until he crashes, crystal unicorn first, into the big screen TV, shattering the TV screen and a better portion of the unicorn. Only the hind legs of the unicorn can be seen in the shattered TV screen. IDIOT #2 freaks out and entices the crowd to sing with him.
IDIOT #2
(singing with the whole crowd singing too)
The crystal ship, is being filled.
IDIOT #1 and IDIOT #2 join, arms around each other’s shoulders.
IDIOT #1 & IDIOT #2
(singing with the whole crowd singing too)
A thousand girls, a thousand thrills. A million times to spend your time… when I get home I’ll drop a line.
IDIOT #1 and IDIOT #2 take a bow in unison, as the crowd goes wild.
CUT TO: PRESENT
INT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: A BEDROOM – MORNING
BEN is no longer quite as confused as before, however; he is now quite amused.
BEN
How bizarre, how bizarre.
CRYSTAL
And that’s just based on overhearing the singing and secondhand testimonial.
BEN
Kooky. What a night.
CRYSTAL
Then you were up here, nursing a bottle of whiskey, bitching about some Susan bitch who ruined two whole years of your life.
BEN
Sounds about right.
CRYSTAL
We talked a bit, you know, about unrequited love and reminiscing about missed opportunities and whatnot. We both agreed that it was sad that we never made a go of it when we had the chance, and then just sort of mutually decided that I’d dump Jerry and we’d give it a go now.
BEN
Wow. We said a lot.
CRYSTAL
Yes we did. Do you regret it?
BEN
How can I? So how does a declaration of dating add up to the sum of our current whole?
CRYSTAL
Well, while we were talking, I sat down next to you, and started massaging your back to help you loosen up. You were so tense.
BEN
Yeah, I get that way a lot recently. Just relocated for a new job, don’t have any friends out there, and the job is a lot of responsibility. More than I’ve ever had before.
CRYSTAL
Yeah, we talked about that too. About how I’d come visit you for a bit and we’d see how it went. Not moving in per se, but just keeping you company to see if this thing has a foundation in anything believable at all.
BEN
We put it all out there, huh? And all it took was a back rub?
CRYSTAL
Well, to be fair, I don’t give back rubs. I am a certified masseuse, so show a little respect for the craft, and trust me, when I was finished I had loosened you up really good.
BEN
Happy ending?
CRYSTAL
For both of us. You’re welcome.
CRYSTAL reaches over and starts massaging BEN’S back. BEN melts in pleasure.
BEN
OK, I’m starting to feel the difference now.
CRYSTAL
I asked you take your shirt off for the massage, then next thing you know… we’re naked and you were howling.
BEN
Point of information: I do not howl.
CRYSTAL
Then I don’t know what you call what you do, but it wasn’t moaning or grunting, it was definitely howling and it was sexy as fuck.
BEN
Dog’s howl. Psycho killers howl. The Wolfman howls. I do not howl.
CRYSTAL
Why do you think I called you Wolfman Ben?
BEN looks over to the bathroom to still see JERRY on the floor sleeping.
BEN
You know, one of us should get dressed and get out of this room before he wakes up.
CRYSTAL
Probably.
BEN gets up and starts putting his clothes on.
CRYSTAL
What are you going to tell him?
BEN
Hell, I don’t know. I don’t even remember doing any of this, At least not yet. What is there to tell?
CRYSTAL
Good point. So you don’t remember any of it?
BEN
Not at the moment.
CRYSTAL
(sighing)
I must be losing my touch.
BEN
Don’t say that.
CRYSTAL
It has to be me, because you, you bang a gong, you get it on.
BEN
(imitating Elvis Presley)
Thank you, thank you very much.
CRYSTAL
So see, it has to be me.
BEN reaches down and picks up an empty bottle of whiskey.
BEN
Be cool Crystal, it has to be this…
BEN holds up the empty bottle of whiskey.
BEN
…and this.
BEN holds up another empty bottle.
CRYSTAL
Two of them?
BEN
I don’t drink often, like hardly at all, but when I do… whoah nelly, I kinda go over board.
CRYSTAL
You think?
BEN tosses CRYSTAL her clothes.
BEN
I know that this is starting off a bit awkwardly, but I think I can make it up to you.
CRYSTAL
How do you figure?
BEN
I book us a hotel room tonight, and then howl for you again… just, you know, sober this time.
CRYSTAL
Sounds like a date.
BEN
One to remember.
CUT TO:
EXT. JERRY’S TOWN HOME: THE BALCONY – DAY
BEN is sitting in a lawn chair with a cup of coffee just relaxing, listening to the bird’s chirp. JERRY walks up from behind BEN and sits down next to him in another lawn chair.
JERRY
What’s up party animal?
BEN
Party animal? Look who’s talking! Did you have fun snorkeling last night?
JERRY
Shit, don’t even start with me about that. You know all I remember is I told John that I could hold my breath for a hella long time, and next thing you know I’m hand cuffed to a toilet. Dude, I was so wasted last night.
BEN
No shit Sherlock.
JERRY
No, seriously dude. I kept having this dream, like 4 times that Crystal and I were getting it on last night. I don’t remember the details, but it sounded so vivid, so real. It was like I was there, but I wasn’t at the same time… I almost think I saw it, you know like in an out of body kind of way… I think. Strange, huh?
BEN
(eyes bugging a little)
Definitely left of center bro.
BEN takes a huge sip of coffee.
JERRY
You heading back soon?
BEN
Yeah, as soon as this headache goes away.
JERRY
Hung over?
BEN
Oh hell yeah.
JERRY
Did you at least have a good time?
BEN
Apparently, in more ways than I’m ever going to be able to remember.
JERRY
That’s what really matters then. You know, you take life too seriously, Ben.
BEN
Yeah, I know.
JERRY
You’re too high strung. You need to relax more, get you some good friends at your new job and just chill out for awhile.
BEN
Yeah, that would be cool, but I hate making new friends.
JERRY stands up and puts his hand on BEN’S shoulder.
JERRY
It’ll all work out for you, just keep your chin up, or some shit like that.
BEN
I’ll do my best.
JERRY
Cool. I gotta go find Crystal. I think she’s pissed off at me again. We were talking, and I don’t remember it, but it sounded like she was upset about how wasted I got. No worries, a quick apology should work all those kinks out. She’s easy like that.
BEN
I’m sure that it will all work out for you buddy.
JERRY gives BEN a thumbs up and then retreats back into the town home. BEN continues to enjoy the birds chirping for a few more seconds until JERRY reappears.
JERRY
Hey Ben?
BEN
What up Jerry?
JERRY
You didn’t by chance, eighty-six my big screen, did you?
BEN
No, but I hear Jim Morrison knows what happened to it, though.
JERRY
Gotcha, I’ll go ask him.
BEN
Yeah, you do that.
JERRY pats BEN on the shoulder and then walks back into the town home again.
BEN
(Quietly to himself)
Oh yeah… definitely going to hell.
BEN sits back, takes a huge drink of coffee and smiles as he looks off into the horizon and listens to the birds chirp off in the distance.
FADE TO BLACK.
