Creepozoids: the Nerfed Llamas Review @fullmoonhorror @RealCharlesBand

Creepozoids: the Nerfed Llamas Review – This movie is why MST3K exists!

With well over a 100 movies in their catalog, along with a dozens of classic grindhouse flicks, it can be a duanting task to pick the next Full Moon Feature to review. Sometimes I’m in the mood for action, sometimes horror, sometimes comedy, and sometimes I’m looking for a combination of the 3. However, there is another metric I use to pick the next Full Moon film to watch and review, and it’s really not all that complicated. I let the movie poster determine whether I check the film out or not. I mean, c’mon… check out the poster for Creepozoids! How could you not want to see this film? It’s impossible. So without further ado, let’s dig into Creepozoids.

What is Creepozoids: Creepozoids is a sci-fi/horror film from 1987 written by Burford Hauser (Monkey Love, Tipping the Scale) and directed by David DeCoteau (Puppet Master III, Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama). The film stars Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4), Ken Abraham (Terror Night, Vampire Knights), Michael Aranda (Barrio Wars, El Chupacabra), Kim McKamy (The One, Willard), Richard Hawkins (Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Frances), and Joi Wilson in her only onscreen appearance (according to IMDB). This is more or less a post apocalyptic monster flick that plays out like a poor man’s Predator, just without the jungle. I’ll let the following image sum up the basic plot.

Instead of the usual “what I liked” and “what I didn’t like” routine, I think it would be wiser with this film to just bullet point my thoughts in a more stream of consciousness kind of way. Trust me, after seeing this film, I believe I can legitimately say that I’ve seen some shit.

• This movie, b-movie though it may be, looks like it was filmed for about $100 in an abandoned dilapidated lot where they would never get caught filming it. Ed Wood would have gotten a boner watching this film… he also would have cast Bela Lugosi as the monster’s master (which there is no such character in this film, but Ed Wood would have made it so).
• The beginning to Creepozoids drags so much ass that your dog is peanut butter and jealous. I kept thinking, oh the hook is going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. This is all just set up, then the real fun starts. Eventually the movie takes off… in the third act… which is the last 20 minutes of the film.
• To it’s credit, the third act is actually pretty decent by b-movie standards. It’s fairly action heavy and is clearly where 95% of the budget to this movie went. There is multiple characters embroiled in harrowing fight scenes. There is a Rodent of Unusual Size, which is nice. Also, the main character gets thrown around like a rag doll for ten minutes straight, which is oddly satisfying to watch.

  

• The other 5% of the budget went to smoke machines and fake spider webs.
• The acting is a cut above still images, but only just by the tiniest of margins. I think, because they speak their lines… that’s what makes the difference.
• Although, they through in an obligatory shower sex scene which houses some of the better acting in the movie (I’m assuming it’s because the dude really liked kissing the girl, but I could totally be off base about that).
• To my surprise (literally), Creepozoids actually had a couple decent jump scares in it. Kudos to the director.
• The music feels like what you might expect if the soundtracks to American Ninja and Friday the Thirteenth had a bastard love child. It is so derivative that if you close your eyes you can image these other better movies in your mind instead.
• Creepozoids (for some unknown reason) has been remastered in HD, and the transfer is quite excellent. If nothing else, Full Moon managed to polish this turd up pretty nicely. The audio is not nearly as well preserved as the video, but I imagine that is an issue with the source material.
• For reals y’all… the acting was terri-bad in this movie.

  

• The monster in this movie (at least the primary one) is so cumbersome and bulky that it is a miracle that it can be as menacing as it is. Frankly, the monster is filmed terribly, but it does add some much needed palpable suspense to the film.
• That being said, there is some pretty cool puppetry done in the last few minutes of the film… along with some pretty severely messed up imagery. If demon babies are not your thing, you may want to avert your eyes near the end.
• The movie just kind of ends. There are 2 survivors and neither even knows that the other survived. What happened next? Did they make it out of the doomed building? We’ll never know… and perhaps that is for the better.
• The acting in this movie was so terrible that Joi Wilson was never seen from again. She was the best part of this film and she dies in the first 2 minutes… that should more or less tell you everything that you need to know.

Bottom Line: Creepozoids is not a terrific movie, by just about any metric except for one… it is a great movie to make fun of. It is so bad that it is terrible, which makes the joke machine in your brain go wild! I was making zingers and spotting off MST3K one liners throughout the entire Creepozoids experience. Honestly, the joke riffing made the experience that much more fun. Do not misunderstand: Creepozoids is a terrible movie with a bad plot, bad acting, bad sets, bad special effects, bad music… pretty much bad everything. Yet, in that murky awfulness there is a gem of a movie to make fun of with your friends. I am convinced that Creepozoids was never intended to be a good movie, and was always made to be an interactive party movie that you watched with your friends laughing and joking the entire time. If, and only if, you watch this movie as a party film, then it is well worth your time. Otherwise, you may want to steer clear of Creepozoids. Here, let me make it easy for you, you just need to answer following question:

Do you have friends who will watch bad movies with you?

• Yes – then invite them over to watch Creepozoids with you. Be sure to have plenty drinks, snacks, and jokes at all times.
• No – avoid this film like you would avoid being stung on the eyeball by a wasp.

…and there you have it. Answer the question above and then you will know if you should watch Creepozoids or not. Simple. Creepozoids can be viewed on Full Moon’s Streaming service, or purchased on DVD or HD remastered Blu-Ray from the Full Moon Direct online store.

Here’s a trailer for Creepozoids. You don’t need to watch it to determine whether you need to see it, just answer the question above. I’m posting this here for posterity.